Have you ever prayed for something for so long that you weren’t exactly sure how you would handle it when it was finally answered?
For a few years now I’ve been aching for a place to call home—I don’t have incredibly hard feelings about where I was raised, but when I left for college things admittedly got a little crazy. The constant moving from my dorm room [during breaks] to my bedroom at my parents was hard for my heart as I longed for a place in which I never had to leave.
After my first summer in Colorado, my heart’s desire for a place like that increased when I had to move out of my dorm room and into a different one. I remember crying out to God and asking Him when I would have a place that I could feel safe in, where no one could kick me out during breaks and I didn’t have to pack up all of my things and move constantly.
I remember God comforting me with His patience in that time as He gently assured me that with time He would give me that.
It was difficult at times—waiting for something that felt too good to be true. Even when I was applying for an apartment it felt like a distant truth that would never be awarded to me, and the application process was not without its hurtles and hoops to jump through. There were so many problems that came up that I found it hard to trust that God would really give me what I believed He promised me.
So, you can imagine the hesitation I felt this last week when I moved into my apartment. When my roommate and I were all settled in, I felt the familiar fear of disappointment rise up from my stomach and the anxiety cloud my thoughts. What if this place isn’t permanent? What if I’m late on rent once and they kick me out? What if my job doesn’t pay enough or I get sick and have to miss work one day? What if I have to move out in three months? What if I— and as these nefarious “what if’s” plagued my thoughts and ignited my anxiety, I was gently reminded by my sweet friend and roommate to trust God’s faithfulness. Has He failed me yet? Has He forgotten me?
I think it’s been a pretty consistent lesson that God is teaching me; God is a Good Father and Good Father’s want to give their children Good things. God’s plans for us are not harm us, and it’s hard for me to admit that sometimes I forget that about Him. He’s one of my best friends and yet I can always find myself forgetting how much He has done for me. Crazy.
It’s true though; I think it’s really easy for me to get caught up in the false truths that make up my anxiety. It happens so much that I genuinely forget Who God really is. He gently [and graciously] reminds me that He cares though, and I’m so grateful for that.
In my anxious “what if’s” I lost sight of what God had promised me and the beautiful beginning of a new chapter He is writing in my life. I loved the peace I felt when He reminded me of how Good He is.
I remember thinking in my bed during my first night in my new home about how in our doubts and anxiety it’s so easy to forget the color of the grass on our side of the fence. Cliche as it might be, the grass always looks greener on the other side.
I’m even realizing how I reinforce that concept with my little “before you know it” game.
I’m challenging myself to start finding the greenest blades of grass in my life right now, and I’m going to treasure them extra hard. I feel convicted to wade for awhile right where I am rather than looking for the next best thing. I think in time, I’ll start to distinguish better the “right now” best thing.
I haven’t been living in this challenge very long, but I’m already started to feel blessed about where I am right now. I love my new home, and God and I have talked about how Good it’s going to be and already is for me. I love living in Kent again—I really do love this quirky lil college town. I love living with my best friend, and I love making our own food in our tiny kitchen. I love being five minutes from campus and still living off of it. I love being a ten minute walk from work.
Heck I love that I’m starting a new job in just a few days! I am working at the Wick Poetry Center here in Kent and I can hardly contain my excitement about this. I’ve been wanting to work here quite some time, and when I applied I never actually thought that I would get the job, but God is Good and made it work out!
Of course there are things in the future that I’m looking forward to, but God is teaching me the beauty of this side of the fence.
And I love that for me.
grace and peace.