Monday, I’ll be in Estes Park Colorado for my second summer of Leadership Training.
Believe me, I’m excited about this—I truly am. I cannot wait to be in the mountains again, living it up (quite, literally), while growing deeper in my faith and ultimately trusting in the Lord before myself.
I’m excited for the worship, for the feeling of clarity I felt a year ago—the feeling that made me change my major, that made me realize how emotionally unhealthy I’d been, the feeling that brought me to my knees in repentance. I’m excited for the laughs—for the time I’ll be able to invest in community.
But I have to be honest.
I’ve been pretty anxious about this summer. I’ve been dangling in the doubts I have about why I’m going. I’ve been contemplating whether or not I should go, and whether or not history will repeat itself.
Full disclosure; returning from LT last year was not fun. I’d prepared myself all summer for returning—for the changes that would come when I returned, as well as the apologies that I’d have to make. And while I did make them, I still realized the extent in which ones sin can ultimately tear apart friendships and leave one in pain and emotional turmoil.
I’ve always felt that fear was a bit irrational; especially concerning a fear of change. The truth is that change is inevitable. I’ve tried my hand at running from it, I’ve learned that my conflict management method is avoidance, so believe me when I’m faced with change or conflict or just anything that falls under an umbrella term of “confrontation” I run from it.
I don’t want too spend too much time readdressing change, as you all know my thoughts and feelings (or can find them here and here). But I will say that I’ve been returning to these posts myself to remind me that there are reasons change should be celebrated, and to remind my heart that there’s One Guy that’s consistent + never changes. Our Cool Father in Heaven.
I have a lot of expectations because of my past experiences with LT—you guys know about this if you’ve read my blog post on A Janitor and a Journey to Nineveh; I share similar feelings for this summer. LT feels a lot like Ninevah for me. However, I’m trying to fight these expectations as much as possible—I’d hate to spoil my experience because I had unrealistic expectations. But despite my attempts to try and adjust my expectations, I have doubts that I’ll be able to keep myself from having the expectations I’m trying so hard to withdrawal myself from.
Yes, change is scary. Returning to the place that I said goodbye to a sad girl that was looking for love in all the wrong ways, that was harboring harsh resentment and anger that she didn’t realize she had…that’s hard. It’s like returning to your childhood home after it’s been remodeled or something, I don’t know. Maybe that’s not a great analogy, but you get me? I’ve spent the last year continuing the healing that started in those mountains, sitting on big rocks, and on the dry rocks of waterfalls. It hasn’t been easy.
But h*ck, it’s been Good.
Regardless of what happened last year, regardless of my expectations and discrepancies, I know that God does Good things out there. I know He’s wanting to do some Good things in ME, and knowing that has been so helpful in this process.
I can’t wait to write to you all about the adventures He’ll take me on, the mountains we’ll climb—all of that jazz.
Transition isn’t easy, and I don’t think that it’s supposed to be. But I’ve learned something beautiful through all the difficult situations and heartache. God is Good, and He wants to give us Good things.
Perhaps these transitions we find ourselves in can be transformed into opportunities for us to draw closer to God.
Right now, as I type out this blog post, I’m excited. It’s a distant cloud of unknown sprinkled with anxiety and a dash of eagerness.
It’s a quirky concoction, but I think it’s a Good one.
I guess we’ll see though
talk to you soon.
grace and peace
hi folks! i just wanted to give a quick congratulations to Amanda Dixon who won the caption this contest on instagram! more of those to come in the future! i think they’re so fun!
don’t forget to check out QC merch on redbubble! you can find the links on the merch tab up there.