Bear with me here, this might just be a pile of words.
I don’t know if it’s because my birthday is this weekend or if it’s just a mood, but this last week I’ve found myself reflecting a lot on the things that have happened to me throughout my life. I’ve explained before that I’m kind of in this intense season of change. It has been incredibly difficult this semester as I’m rolling through the motions, watching as my forever kind of dwindle down to mere moments—temporary dreams that are meant for a short length of time.
Many things changed for me when I moved into Kent last year. I’d just been through a rough summer, and I was desperately searching for change. Looking back, as things began to unfold and I found friends and a version of happiness that I’d never before experienced, I settled into what I believed would be what the next few years would look like. And I was okay with it, too; I loved how my little life was unraveling. It felt like everything was falling into place. Why would I want things to change?
Last year, I started a Bible Study with my friends, and it was my favorite part of the week. I loved that I could learn about myself as a leader and grow with my friends in a way that I’d only ever dreamed
This week, I decided to end it—the Bible Study, I mean. It was a hard decision to make as the Bible Study was one of my favorite parts of my week, and I l o v e d leading it so much that it hurts to think I won’t ever be writing up the study every week.
My ending the Bible Study has me reflecting on a lot of the things that have changed this semester, and has me returning to how God changes our plans. I find it a touch ironic considering how much I hate change right now, but I’m finding a certain peace surrounding something I love coming to an end and changing things up.
It has actually opened up my time to spend mentoring and growing in my one-on-one time with God—two things that I would be sacrificing to keep the Bible study. This has me wondering about the saying, “when God closes one door, another opens.” I have no idea how Biblical that actually is, but I’m finding a new solace within the saying. It’s cool to think that my sacrificing something that is glorifying to God will be returned with something else as equally glorifying to Him.
This semester has been extremely difficult for me. In the hustle and bustle of classes, as well as [trying to] maintain friendships, studying, and the weight of the future sitting on my shoulders, I have found most aspects of my life providing only a desire to crawl back into bed and forbid the day from coming. I’ve been distracted. I’ve been sitting in doubt. But God continues to urge me to just trust Him and know that He’s got all this figured out for me.
In all of the opening and closing of doors, I’ve found myself coming back to Him. That alone is a testament to how much I’ve grown this last year of my life; one year ago, I never would’ve come back to Him. As shameful as it feels to admit, I know I would’ve been so angry at Him, so confused, so hurt that I wrote Him off as unreliable. Today I’m proud to admit the opposite is true, and I’m so glad to at least know I’m trying to trust Him in all the wreckage.
It’s weird for me to say that I’m learning to be okay with change. There are some things that we just love to hate, and change is one of those things for me. I’m not there yet, but I think that I’m headed in that direction for the most part.
Don’t tell anyone, but I’m kind of excited (and terrified) to see what else God changes this semester. All of the change has taught me so much already, so it’s hard for me to what else I could possibly learn; however, every time I think He’s done, He’s always nudging something else in there to say, “I’m not finished here yet.”
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.”
I’ve found a lot of comfort in this passage this semester. God is showing me that there’s a time for everything—even the things for which I’m not exactly ready.
Time is a funny thing, but if I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that time is relentless. It never stops. It is persistent and tireless. It wages its wars on me. It tries me. It tests me. It does not stop because I will it to. It’s funny because God is the same way.
Change is hard with a capital H. But I’m finding a new comfort in it this week. Like many things, change is Hard, but oh, change is so Good.